Why

this post isn't really weight loss related. But then again, I guess stress and or irritation can lead to weight issues. Enough of it anyway can. I think I take things to personally. I thought I was getting close to people around my family, to only learn I am not at all close. I hate that feeling. That feeling of being alone. It is awful and weird. I hate not knowing what people are thinking, saying or doing behind you. I know everyone does. I guess it just bothers me more now, because I have time to think about it? I am not sure. I use to hang out with family but slowly the hang outs have stopped. To the point where, only family functions is when we see each other. Which I am grateful for those events, but thinking back on how things use to be, makes you sad. Makes you want to curl up into a small ball and cry. Hide from everyone.

I'm tired.

I went shopping yesterday, got a lot of vegetables and ground chicken and chicken breast. Brown rice, whole grain pasta and diet soda. Spent more money than I truly wanted to. I find it comical that healthy foods are so much more expensive than fattening foods. Yet, America is suffering from the 'Obesity epodemic'. Well, lets think about this for a second. You have meals that you can make, rather than going to fast food places to eat. That will cut out some fat. However, you spend way more on healthy produce and products so it in the end, even though no one wants to admit it, we would all just rather blame McDonald's and Burger King, but they end up being cheaper. I can't prepare a healthy meal that will in fact be cheaper than what I personally spend at Taco Bell. Yet, in order to get healthy and drop my last 50 damn pounds I need to.

I guess I am just at a point of depression and that is what is making everything a little more difficult for me. Pushing everything further out of my reach. I can't grasp anything unless it is nailed down. The Boss hasn't been to supportive with workouts, which makes me not care, because if he is happy than I should be. Then I look in the mirror and awaken to the fact, I am not happy. I am still disgusted with my reflection. My arms and stomach make me want to vomit. The Boss tells me to wait til it is cooler than the weight will drop off again, but what if I slowly creep back up? I haven't yet, but I also haven't been eating spot on. I didn't even track this entire weekend. Why? I was around a computer the entire time, I just never thought about it. Like this morning, I had a small slice of chocolate cake. Why? Because, it might as well be eaten. I through away the rest of it. It isn't something I should have in the house. Why did I? Anything I say will just be an excuse to make it okay, when in reality it isn't. I wish I could just go on a trip, be taken away from all the distractions and excuses and drop the weight. The only thing that scares me, is what if I did. What if I left dropped my 50 pounds came back at 146lbs, and yet, I still can't handle everyday life.

Something I need to sort out still.

~Lady!!

Busted

This weekend was well, a weekend. I didn't workout. No shock there really now is there? I just haven't found that motivation. I keep telling myself, I only have 50 pounds left to lose but then, I just fade to that dark place. That place of not caring. What is that all about. I have support. Kind of. The Boss is very supportive. Until it comes to workouts. Then he isn't so much. More on the opposite side. He'd rather I just ate healthy and didn't workout until winter. I wonder why? I know I complain a lot about this heat wave, but it just seems odd. Maybe if I stopped complaining? But then, I sabotage myself by eating things that aren't healthy. Which today I did go shopping and I did get diety type foods. Learning different ways to cook vegetables without butter and salt and pepper with be a new challenge. I have slowly shifted back into my old self. Binges after binges. No workouts. But, I am not gaining. Maybe that is why I have lost the drive to continue. Because I am able to eat whatever, stay within the calories on My Fitness Pal and yet, stay the same weight? I just, I need a swift kick in the rear. I should make a promise to myself, or challenge myself, to eat on a strict diet for a week, then see what happens. See if there is any changes? I just don't want to go on a fad diet. I don't want to drop down to 1200 and sit there starving. I know a lot of people are eating that little, but it doesn't work for me. I guess I just lost my way. Now to find that path again.

~Lady!!

How to stay active

I am realizing that I am not active enough to lose weight. I don't eat as healthy as I need to. And I am not active enough at all. I am going shopping tomorrow for diet type foods, but then I am left with the issue of not being active enough. The heat wave that is happening is making it hard to want to workout. I have a few older DVDs I can use and a stationary bike, but the motivation to actually do such things, just isn't there. I think it is because I am too comfortable. I keep giving myself excuses. Such as, it is to hot, which it is. Or that I have a headache, which more times than not I truly do, but why are these small things becoming such big walls to me now? I don't want my weight to creep up to my all time high again. 300lbs was just to much. I am only 50 pounds away from my main goal, yet it seems so far out of my grasp. I don't want to try a fad diet and drop the weight fast, because I know, that doesn't work. Yes I want to get the weight off, but getting it off fast, doesn't mean it will stay off. You wont stay at the calorie intake you are currently at if you try to just rid it of your body fast. So You have to relearn. I am at the point of relearning.

Also, at the point of tackling my demons and trying to get active again.

~Lady!!

Still learning.

I was told to write down everything. Log everything. Well I had no idea, how unhealthy I really do eat. I mean, wow. Today I just ate like I normally would, thanks to no food in my house. So I went for frosted flakes. I got my bowl and ate them up. Had little mini pizzas for lunch and then a small bowl of cereal for a snack. (I WILL go shopping for actual diet foods this weekend)

Using My Fitness Pal (was told by a friend it's a great site) I am getting a good view of what I am actually eating, and how much it really comes out to. It is incomprehensible. However isn't there a saying, "If it tastes good, spit it out."

I think I might have to rethink dinner tonight.

~Lady!!

First Step

First step is admitting I eat to much. I do. Weighing 200 pounds, is wrong. Period. You can fight and argue all you want, but there always comes a time when, you just want to drop the weight. I don't plan on getting the 50 pounds off in two months. Hell, I don't even plan on getting them off in 4 months. I do plan on learning to eat right, control myself and stop making excuses.

I got married. I was happy. I got comfortable and then, then I noticed I was fat. Amazing how I really never noticed it before, until, right there staring back at me, was this fat girl. It was odd. For some reason, I closed my eyes, rubbed them good, opened them up, as if by magic this fat girl would be gone. Alas, she wasn't. She was still there. Mocking me. With her double chin, chubbed cheeks and rolled up arms.

Where did I go wrong? Well, eating pizza all the time doesn't help. Having a disgusting love for cakes and cookies, didn't help either. So standing at 5 feet 5 inches, I weighed myself. Of course, alone and undressed. Can't have any of that "extra" weight weighing me down (pun intended). 195lbs. Even.

So this is my journal of my mission to drop the horrid 50 pounds. From here on, I hope to only report losses!

~Lady!!