Why

this post isn't really weight loss related. But then again, I guess stress and or irritation can lead to weight issues. Enough of it anyway can. I think I take things to personally. I thought I was getting close to people around my family, to only learn I am not at all close. I hate that feeling. That feeling of being alone. It is awful and weird. I hate not knowing what people are thinking, saying or doing behind you. I know everyone does. I guess it just bothers me more now, because I have time to think about it? I am not sure. I use to hang out with family but slowly the hang outs have stopped. To the point where, only family functions is when we see each other. Which I am grateful for those events, but thinking back on how things use to be, makes you sad. Makes you want to curl up into a small ball and cry. Hide from everyone.

I'm tired.

I went shopping yesterday, got a lot of vegetables and ground chicken and chicken breast. Brown rice, whole grain pasta and diet soda. Spent more money than I truly wanted to. I find it comical that healthy foods are so much more expensive than fattening foods. Yet, America is suffering from the 'Obesity epodemic'. Well, lets think about this for a second. You have meals that you can make, rather than going to fast food places to eat. That will cut out some fat. However, you spend way more on healthy produce and products so it in the end, even though no one wants to admit it, we would all just rather blame McDonald's and Burger King, but they end up being cheaper. I can't prepare a healthy meal that will in fact be cheaper than what I personally spend at Taco Bell. Yet, in order to get healthy and drop my last 50 damn pounds I need to.

I guess I am just at a point of depression and that is what is making everything a little more difficult for me. Pushing everything further out of my reach. I can't grasp anything unless it is nailed down. The Boss hasn't been to supportive with workouts, which makes me not care, because if he is happy than I should be. Then I look in the mirror and awaken to the fact, I am not happy. I am still disgusted with my reflection. My arms and stomach make me want to vomit. The Boss tells me to wait til it is cooler than the weight will drop off again, but what if I slowly creep back up? I haven't yet, but I also haven't been eating spot on. I didn't even track this entire weekend. Why? I was around a computer the entire time, I just never thought about it. Like this morning, I had a small slice of chocolate cake. Why? Because, it might as well be eaten. I through away the rest of it. It isn't something I should have in the house. Why did I? Anything I say will just be an excuse to make it okay, when in reality it isn't. I wish I could just go on a trip, be taken away from all the distractions and excuses and drop the weight. The only thing that scares me, is what if I did. What if I left dropped my 50 pounds came back at 146lbs, and yet, I still can't handle everyday life.

Something I need to sort out still.

~Lady!!